just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
