sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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