If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
