i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
