I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
