i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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