she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
