i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
