Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
