non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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