So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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