This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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