Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My vagina just clenched in fear
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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