I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
