Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
