Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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