Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
