i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
