My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
