I can text with my tongue
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
