I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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