wanna go halves on a baby?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
