I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
