to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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