come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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