dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
