Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
