Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
