I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize