My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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