im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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