my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
