My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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