checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
