just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
