hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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