you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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