so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Someone came in the potted fern
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
