I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
