I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize