k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
