you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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