i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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