I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
