An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
