My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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