She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
