Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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