My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
