he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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