I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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