there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
