i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
