i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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