So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
