i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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