Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
