fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
