that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
