The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize