He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just puked most of my soul out..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize