I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
