she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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