i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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