FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
