You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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