i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
