she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
