Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
