This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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